Crap

OK, I frickin' give up! If I were to rant right now what I've been feeling for the past ages you would all run away in FEAR of my wrath. Or more possibly from the flood of tears that would be allowed to pour out if I were actually to let everything go. (I don't even know what that everything IS, it's just there and it makes me feel like crap.) Not because I'm ranting at anyone in particular, or that I have anything actually to rant about. It's just that I'm STUPID and let every stinkin' little thing affect me and it bothers me a whole lot because I have no right to feel this way since there's nothing bad in my life. Or nothing that's really horrible anyway. I think it's because something wants me to hope and it breaks my heart every time I do, and I don't tell anyone about it because I don't want it to break some more. THIS is why pessimism is my best course of action people. Do you see what optimism (something I often characterise as hope) does to me? I'm gonna have to suggest that going from happy to depressed several times in the course of one day for 'no particular reason' can't be good for me. Soon I'm seriously going to crack and blow something up. Most likely myself, although I'm open to alternative suggestions. And don't say I need therapy because there is nothing therapy can do for me. It's just me and my stupid personality. I want grandma back so I can cry on her lap like I used to. I had a dream once that she came back, and it made me remember what her voice sounded like. I want to cry like I did when I watched her take her last breath in that bed in the ER and could hear how hard it was for her. I felt her leave, and I wept. I want to cry like I did when I played my song at her funeral and everyone said I did a great job. I want to cry like I cried when people said I'm sorry and I tried to be brave and put on a smile for them and at the same time wanted to shout at them cuz they couldn't do anything. And I want to feel happy again without any stupid shadows hanging over me. And that's not gonna happen until I get out my feelings, and that's not gonna happen till something pushes me over the edge. And that's gonna take something extremely joyous or something extremely sad, which I can feel coming right around the corner. Although I've learned not to trust my own feelings, they always turn out to be wrong. I can't take this anymore. I think I'm gonna have to though, there's nothing I can do. Unless I felt like saying something so excruciating to y'all that you'd hate me forever. Then I'm sure I could get enough tears out. But that would leave me with nothing. Someone asked me once if I depend on you guys, and really I do. I don't depend on you to DO anything, I just depend on you to be there for me to love. Is that a bad thing or something? Apparently so. I congratulate myself on my acting abilities though. My family thinks I'm the happiest girl they know. For example, just now mom came down and said bye to me cuz they're going to grandpa's house and I grinned at her and made a 'witty' comment (as witty as my sense of humour can get) and all the while I was feeling the same as I've just written down here. Not even music cheers me up anymore, and that has never happened before. And then there is one more thing that's making me die inside, but really I can't tell you that one. Because it's much too personal and I'm far too afraid of what you'd say if I told you. And that sounds kindof bad. But it's not bad at all, it's perfectly normal. It's just that I guess I let it affect me more than most people. Or perhaps I'm just like everyone else and they keep it inside too. Hmm, whatever. I think I've written a sufficient amount of crap now, so I'll go. I wish you a happy day.